When nations fight among themselves, this is called a war. (K.Prutkov)

The commander said the ferret - it means the ferret, and no gophers!

Short dashes from me to the next oak.

The rats warned the ship's captain that they had training anxiety.

Who served in the army does not laugh at the circus.

Whoever comes to us with a sword will shout and receive. (N. Fomenko)

Lies fighter, could not cope with the attack

Lies fighter, could not cope with the attack (N. Fomenko)

Better to be a coward for a minute than all life dead

Better with a sweetie in a hut than with a shovel in a dugout

Any business can be done in three ways: right, wrong, and the way they do in the army

I was awarded the Legion of Honor. However, few people managed to avoid this difference. (M. Twain)

We will destroy our nuclear weapon together with America. (V. Chernomyrdin)

We often regret to recall the case when Napoleon shot the editor of the magazine, but missed and killed the publisher. Nevertheless, we appreciate his good intentions. (M. Twain)

We (Russia) are not threatened by NATO. How did you get the idea that Ukraine’s entry into NATO could threaten us? I want to say easier. We in Russia do not want Ukraine to turn from a near abroad into a distant one. Ukraine should be more concerned about this than we are! (V. Chernomyrdin)

Do not talk nonsense (N. Fomenko)

Not every general is by nature complete. (K.Prutkov)

Not every captain is a guard! (K.Prutkov)

Not every man even has a hussar uniform. (K.Prutkov)

Do not throw the fool (N. Fomenko)

No need to run away from a sniper, just die tired (M.Zhvanetsky)

Not so scary Russian tank as its drunk crew

Would you not walk Vanek among the soldiers (N. Fomenko)

Some look brave because they are afraid to run away (M. Zhvanetsky)

No, I don’t sleep, I just blink slowly (N. Fomenko)

No “military thinking” exists; these are two concepts between which there is nothing in common. (G. Harrison)

The first thing we spoil the planes

First of all, we spoil the planes, but then the girls, and the girls later!

In front of the doctor’s office in the medical unit: “AIDS, pregnancy and other sexually transmitted diseases are sexually transmitted”

The soldier who does not dream of sleeping with the general is bad (N. Fomenko)

The soldier who does not want is bad (N. Fomenko)

Slippers rumbled on the floor (N. Fomenko)

It’s good to be a lieutenant colonel, but better under general

After the end of firing, combat and training cartridges must be restored to their original state.

Put a barrier, or sensible m ayora

Russians and Chechens are like two birds that can’t get along in one den (A. Lebed)

The most unloved saying of sappers: one foot here, the other there

The most miserable thing in the world is the crowd; here is the army - the crowd; they do not go into battle because courage broke out in them - they are given the courage to realize that there are many of them and that they are commanded. (M. Twain)

Boots should be cleaned in the evening, and in the morning put them on a fresh head

Now you look out of the audience window, and the time will come, and you look out the window of the tank entrusted to you.

Sergeant! You have a daily not cut, hanging on your ears

Do you hear what they expect from us? C300. This we know what it is. God forbid! Today is C300, and tomorrow, let's do something else ... and the third day after tomorrow. This is what it is! (V. Chernomyrdin)

Hire: gas mask - for 6 seconds; condom - in 5 seconds; bra - in 4 seconds; night watchman - with three attempts

Soldier without a shovel - violation of the uniform

Tanks are not afraid of dirt!

Tanks are not afraid of dirt!

Comrades kursanty! When detecting a nuclear explosion, the most important thing is to turn your back on it so that steel does not drip from a bayonet onto reproduction bodies or official boots

Comrades kursanty, what are your surnames? - Ivanov, Petrov, Sidorov! - What are you, brother? - No, namesakes

Comrade cadet! You are like an African bird, an ostrich, which from its height does not see the general line of the party

Comrades soldiers! Today, a naked woman is found on the door in the nightstand. By the forces of the outfit, we tore it off and threw it into the toilet. Who does not believe - can go and make sure

Accuracy - politeness of snipers

We have created all the conditions that must be overcome in order to become a real officer.

Killed while trying to commit suicide

You may not shine with your mind, but you must shine with your boot

Hearing the barking of a patrol dog, the sentry duplicates his voice

A man who served in the army does not laugh at the circus.

What burst like a horse? Do you have no language to knock?

What kind of toenails have you grown? Like an eagle, even climb trees

What did you, comrade cadet, draw such an uneven square? Are you color blind?

This explosive is in the form of plasticine.

It’s you not to twist the bolts on the chips!

This is not for you to hedgehogs!

This is not soap for you to drive on the basin!

It’s not for you to tuck a fur coat into your underpants!

This is what! It happens much worse: for example, when planes fall, and people survive ...

I met with many policemen who died, with demonstrators who died; and everyone asks me a question ... (Vit. Klitschko)

I ordered to place all the puddles on the parade ground so that the officers would not urinate on the way home!

Funny, funny, witty, comic phrases, aphorisms, sayings and quotes:

Do not judge strictly if I repeat one of the above

They don’t treat people in the army, they don’t let them die in the army ...
In the army, everything is ugly, but monotonous!
In the army there is no "joint venture." There is only "pro * ball"
The soldier is sleeping - the service is on, the soldier is on - the service is on, the soldier is running, but the service is still going on ...
It’s necessary to be sick at the military commissariat, and it’s better to go healthy to the army
Everything is possible in the army, if without a pale




The two drunken spirits of the railway are stronger than the company of the airborne troops.
They don’t swear in the army, they talk on it.
The soldier is not cold, the soldier is fresh.
Brake in a company - a company in a sweat.
Us * booth, and we laugh - we are demolished anyway.
Two soldiers from the construction battalion replace the excavator. Life spirit alone replaces these two.
The best pill is a stool.
The sergeant’s goal is * fuck, the soldier’s goal is * fuck.
Who does not smoke or drink, does not swear, doesn’t get into the railways, even if he doesn’t try.
The soldier has three holidays: lunch, lights out and demobilization.
Initiative * beats the initiator.
Conscience is luxury, and soldiers are poor people
A woman gives birth to a child, and a soldier is anything!
Piss the girls on my chest, I want to wave in the airborne forces! The girls were pissing, the girls were fucking ... anyway, they took them to the railway ...
By the will of God and heaven, the guys serve in the Air Force. By the will of the demon, rail and sleepers I got to serve in the railway
The army is deaf, like in a tank, but we need it to appreciate the whole buzz of "citizen"
If the spirit sits like a mouse, do not be alarmed - this is a chip
The less the copter knows, the stronger the foreman sleeps
A stool in a soldier’s hand beats no worse than an assault rifle
If you retreat at a speed greater than the speed of the enemy’s advance, then you can catch him from the rear - the Earth is round.
The army is a club of fun and resourceful. Fun on the lip, resourceful on vacation
Dembel is not a girl, will not pass by
Here they can call us a dog and don't give a damn about our honor, but we will send them “fucking!” and as always we will answer “yes!”
A soldier can only be one who knows three truths: to sleep in any position, fierce hatred of work, bestial appetite
For a soldier, a holiday is like a mare’s wedding. Head in flowers and neck in soap
Not every man is a soldier, not every man is a soldier ...
Who was a student, he saw youth. Who was a soldier, he saw life ...
Do not laugh at those in gray overcoats, but laugh at those who did not wear them
Once in my childhood I dreamed of wearing an overcoat and a helmet. Now I’m in the army ... * ball in my mouth such a fairy tale ...
Army - a dream, God forbid, still dream ...
The whole life of a soldier is a struggle. Before lunch - with hunger, after dinner - with sleep.
A soldier loves work so much that he can watch it for hours!
In the south it’s hot, in the north there is ice, and we are in the railway, we are all fucked up!
It happens that you wake up like a bird - a winged spring on a platoon and you want to live and work! But by breakfast it passes ...
Everyone is afraid of the Russian army, especially all guys under 27!
I believe, brother, there will be a demobilization, there will be no bastards and shoulder straps, and we will whip moonshine together with you on the hut!
Do not argue with the foreman that the Earth is round. For * you are about to align!
Colonels do not run, because in peacetime it causes laughter, and in war time it causes panic.
The orderly must not go beyond the radius of the square of his bedside table
Two pairs of boots, two pairs of HB and you can write DMB on the wall
Who works at night? Thieves, bl * di and those in the outfit
The ears freeze, the nose freezes, after dinner diarrhea, the army is a big madhouse, we live in it merrily!
He does not know love and affection, who was not in boots and hard hat
Thanks to the native army, for youth with a bald head
Wherever I go, wherever I drink, I will not forget the lads I served with!
Serve the soldiers, and you don’t be afraid that someone suddenly forgot you, friends don’t forget a friend, and whoever forgot, he wasn’t
Smoke break, hang up, lunch - there are no better words in the world

How to mow down from the army at the medical board ::

Come to the military registration and enlistment office in a gray cloak and a pointed hat, with tomato juice or a red marker. Having entered the draft board, start talking with horror about the knights of the apocalypse, rushing along the corridors and drawing pentagrams and strange symbols on the walls. If they start to stop, say that this is for their own good.

Come with a bunch of garlic around your neck, with a cross (crucifix), holy water, aspen stake and a silver spoon. If they begin to take away, say that without this you will not go anywhere.
- You will definitely feel the throat. During this process, look at the doctor with horror and whisper, but so that the doctor hears, start praying;
- When the optometrist begins to shine in your eyes with a flashlight, hit him with a spoon on the forehead;
- Ear-throat-nose can be threatened with a stake or a crucifix;
- When they start checking your hearing (whispering numbers in your ear), spray holy water at the doctor (the water should be holy);
- Do not remove garlic under any pretext!

If you understand binary code, then when numbers are whispering in your ear, translate them into binary code (type 0010110001). You can bring along a piece of paper and a pen for counting.

Twitch your limbs, it is alarming. Sometimes you can stop, wait a few seconds and burst into hellish laughter.

Imagine a Satanist (you have to fork out for accessories.)

During the test, squeeze fingers on your hands and sharply unclench. When they ask you: "Why are you pulling something with your hands?" - reply in a whisper: "It's not me. It's THEY!"

You can portray a fit of bloodthirstiness. When asked why you want to serve in the army, answer: “In the army? Soldiers serve there, they are given machine guns. They can shoot them. I also want a gun and shoot! Give me a gun !!! I want to shoot people! Aaaaaaaa !!! " - at the same time with your hands you can depict a machine gun and shoot a psychiatrist out of it, or abruptly jump up and hit your hands on the psychiatrist's table, and then at the psychiatrist himself.

Shout: “I am an iron man!” And start poking at myself with a knife or a pencil (shallow, in accumulations of fat, but so that there is blood). You can also start cutting your hands with a knife (the main thing is to do it abruptly, then it will not hurt). During this the process can be distracted by an ominous laugh.

Tell the doctor: “Look how I can!” and start biting your veins (just don’t overdo it).

On examination, shout: “Hit me! Hit me! Ahh, I’ll hit myself !!! ” - slap your jaw in all its scope, for entertainment you can fly a couple of meters or do a backflip (I'd better beat myself than go for a year).

Glue a computer mouse to your hand (say it’s grown), put on glasses with a 1cm lens and talk to your doctor in C ++.

Walk and stroke a stuffed cat, while you can whisper something like: “Nothing, they won’t take us. Everything will be fine. Do not worry".

Walk in a dwarf cap and drool (night cap will come off).

If the military registration and enlistment office is not far from home, come in a fur coat to your naked body.

Put on a black leather BDSM suit under your clothes. Arriving at the inspection, lock the door in the office and start undressing.

When your ear-throat-nose begins to check your hearing (say numbers), blush and claim that you can not speak such vulgarities (it is better if there is more than one doctor in the office). For greater effect, you can blame him for harassment.

Bring a gun from the slot machine (which they shoot at the monitor).

Claim that you are from Mars or a chain of asteroids. If the doctor begins to make comments, close your eyes, begin to make strange movements with your hands and moo.

Bring a cable 10 meters long with you, place one end (stick) in the ass area, and ask the doctor to plug it into the outlet so that you can charge.

Bring a friend and say that this is your imaginary friend, and let him pretend that no one sees him and loudly advises out loud, for example: "Come on, kill them!". If the doctor starts to grab him or ask about something, make an astonished look, and say: “He is different!”.

Bring two acquaintances. One should be dressed in snow-white sheets, sandals and wear a harp. The second in a black leather jacket, boots and walk with a whip (ideally try to get a halo and horns). Let them walk behind and whisper in your ear.
- One must whisper “Go, do everything right, go through all the checks and serve for the good of the motherland”;
- Let the second one say: “Kill them all! You don’t need them, service for fools! ”

Come to the examination with popcorn and Coca-Cola, sit in front of the doctor, look into his eyes and silently eat popcorn, pretending to be watching a movie. Do not answer questions. You can scream "movie sucks" throw popcorn at the doctor. If he grabs you, be very surprised (but do not resist) and say “WOW! What special effects! ”
Option 2: Sit on a chair so that you look at the door, chew popcorn, and sometimes blow bubbles into the coke. When the doctor says something to you, hiss in exasperation at him and make comments: “T-s-s-s! Do not bother to watch! "

When the doctor writes a certificate, exit through the window (before that, make sure it is a low floor or ask friends to lay a mattress below).

Come in the form of a fan, with a scarf, a trick. Accompany the draftees into the office with joyful cries and slogans. In general, portray an ardent fan.

Rent a knight's armor and sword, rush to the doctor and say that you are ready to serve in the name of the king.
Option 2: Find a Space Marine costume and declare that you are ready to give your life for the emperor.

Bring the “Death Note” with you and, looking intently into the doctor’s face, ask for his name.

Come in a torn gray mantle, climb onto the table and begin to read the psalms in an unknown language in an afterlife voice.

Dress in a prison robe, put on handcuffs and go into the office with the words "Hey doc, let's go quickly, they let me go for a couple of hours."

At the physical examination, when asked to undress, tie a towel around the waist, put on sandals, dark glasses, a cap with brim, a rubber circle, take a washcloth and go out to the doctors. In response to surprised looks, ask: “What are you wearing?”

While the doctor is writing something, you can walk around the office and talk to the walls about the weather ...
You can even fight with one.

Cover yourself with shoe polish and Accuse the doctor of politically incorrect. Claim that you are a Negro, and if the doctor says anything about your appearance, blame him for racism.

Glue big headphones to your ears, ask everyone again and say that you don’t hear anything.

Go and weep for money. Hide small coins in your pants so that when they walk they ring and constantly get enough sleep.

After the examination, ask: “I definitely went? Well then, I’m flying away ... ”- stick a firework in the ass and set it on fire.

Go into the office in boots, a military uniform, a cap, with the AK47 model and shout: "I'm ready!"

Quietly go into the office, look at the doctor, freeze, make an astonished look, not taking your eyes off the doctor, take out your mobile phone, call and say: “I found it” (For effect you can lock the front door).

Buy a Sailor Moon cosplay set and retribute to the doctors in the name of the moon.

Come with the system unit behind you, keyboard greaves, a cloak from CDs, headphones, holding a mouse in each hand (you can wrap yourself in wires).

Pretend to be a vampire: buy red lenses, false fangs. During the inspection, constantly hiss and seek out the victim, occasionally drink a strange red liquid from a five-liter jar.

While the doctor is writing a certificate - as if by accident, take out the machete and start sharpening it (whistle “gop-stop” whistle at the same time).

Bring the whole family for inspection. From mom and dad to cousins \u200b\u200band cousins.

Pull the box of dynamite (you can paint red cardboard gouache from under the toilet paper). Say you always carry with you. Before leaving, you can leave him in the office.

When the doctor writes a certificate, smile, show on the next wall and say that he was filmed by a hidden camera.

Come in a business suit with a diplomat, sit in front of the doctor, put a notebook, pen, document folder, bottle of water on the table and say that you are ready to start the conference.

Make, make indecent sounds. You can portray an attack of orgasm.

Sit in front of the doctor, light a cigar, put your feet on the table and say: “Well, here we are.”

When the doctor asks to undress, convince him that there is nothing interesting there, take out a dildo in front of him (the main thing is to look like one) and say that you wear separately.

Fall asleep every 10 seconds. When you begin to wake up, pretend that you do not remember anything.

Military aphorisms

The enemy is not a cockroach - you won’t kill a slipper!

Caption: Checking not Santa Claus - when you come, you do not know.

It’s hard to learn, come to the army.

He killed the enemy - a smoke break. (I.V. Stalin)

Homeland is not a heifer - betrayal does not forgive.

Shooting is not a kiss - you won’t practice on tomatoes!

The level of cleanliness of the toilet is an indicator of the level of cleanliness of a soldier's soul.

Fighter, watch so that even a fly does not creep past!

Charter - life! It is written by people, not by WORD!

Drill training - not the highest mathematics, here you need to think!

The army is not Call of duty, first-aid kits are not lying on the road.

A tank is not a luxury, but a means of transportation to the place of battle.

Lean - the head of the clothing store saves.

The head of the clothing store gave - the head of the clothing store and took it.

The cartridge from the chamber does not fall far.

Fighter, remember: the hat and the head are one!

Getting a weapon - they don’t click the shutter!

Lost vigilance - surrendered to the enemy!

Keep your mouth shut while eating!

The enemy does not sleep! The enemy has insomnia!

Remember the soldier: smoking outside the smoking room is equivalent to setting fire!

Statuses about the army

(44 Votes)

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After Vovochka went to the army - to mow from the institute.

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In the army, boys are made of real men ... But without the participation of women.

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Take a walk, girl, sleep peacefully. After all, somewhere, squeezing the machine, your faithful boyfriend, your soldier, reliably guards you.

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A step forward and two back, neither x * I behold, I am a soldier ...

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The soldier is sleeping - the service is on! But the most important thing is that when the soldier runs away, the service is still going on.

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The army is voluntary. If you want, go, if you don’t want, they will take it!

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Now that you have become a soldier, forget civic dreams ... Kiss at night with an AUTOMATIC AND ELDER give flowers))))

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To become a good soldier, you need to abandon all clever thoughts.

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Boots should be cleaned in the evening and put on a fresh head in the morning.

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Do not say anything without an order, do not ask for anything, move only on the run.

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At the military commissariat, the chief asks the conscript: “Well, 2000 bucks or the army?” The draftee shows the camera and answers: - A white ticket or YouTube?

Aphorisms, quotes. "," Hide ")"\u003e Video: Copy of the video Aphorisms, quotes.

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The main principle in the army - if you do not have time to puzzle, you can sleep.

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how I miss these eyes !! and you know what it is. when you look through the glass of a train at your own eyes and understand that you will see them in a year !! this is not a week or a month, but a year !!! whole summer, autumn, winter, spring, holidays, birthdays, every lonely morning, every lonely evening !! like damn !! for this year, half the lives of others are changing, but for me they fly only for the same.

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My beloved went to the army ((((How hard it is without him ... But I’m sure to wait for you zay ... I love ...

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Sleep girl, sleep dear. I protect you! How will I come to become a citizen, hh * n, you will sleep with me!

Funny aphorisms about the army

Military education instills courage through fear.

Here you are not here - here you will quickly lose the habit of drinking vodka and disgrace disgrace.

At the end of the day, the dark time comes.

Army rule: "Only one who knows how to obey is able to command." This is the same as saying: "Only those who can drown can swim."

The army is people gathered in one place for the sole purpose of correcting the mistakes of diplomats.

Where the deer will pass, the soldier will pass there.

In winter, our army most of all needs central heating batteries.

Watching the battle from the side, everyone imagines himself a strategist.

Who runs faster than a shepherd? These are perfumes from fires!

Bad is the soldier who does not want to become a corporal.

The paratrooper, like an expensive service, can fall and crash.

The more the paratrooper sleeps, the less harm from him.

Funny aphorisms about the army

The best remedy is running in a gas mask!

He did not like salted tomatoes, because his head did not crawl into the jar, and if it did, he plucked his eyes.

Comrades, time to recover! And we haven’t eaten yet!

The radio station should be in the head of the head of the column.

On the battlefield there were screams and groans of the dead.

If a stone is thrown up, then, since gravity acts on it, it will fall to the ground.

And if he falls into the water?

This does not concern us; the Navy is doing this.

Here's what you need to do to get the right speech defect.

Articles on sexual education of the journal "Health" contribute to the strengthening of military discipline.

I didn’t know what the disease was from before marriage: I was healthy far and wide!

When I drink sparkling water, for some reason I’m flipping right into the top of my head, and not into my nose.

I feel, but bad.

What interests you more: what I'm saying, or a dead dove that flies over the dining room ?!

At the command of "equalize!" the kettle turns right.

Do not direct weapons at people, even if they are loaded.

Girls who do not know how to salute, two steps forward!

Army - aphorisms, jokes, insanity, jokes, needs.

Army

What if a war or some other event?

But this leads to the death of numerous victims!

And you’d better be silent, comrade cadet, you still haven’t dried your noodles on your ears.

And if ammunition runs out in battle, what should I do? Shoot further to mislead the enemy.

And if it’s difficult, then you need to bite the fist.

And the first floor of our department has classes No. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and so on until the 12th.

And for me, even if they kill everyone, if only there was no war! ...

And from 5 p.m. we will clean the snow with the Communists.

And with you I will talk to YOU: I will expel, Reprimand, I will fuck ...

Abashidze, overgrown like an elephant, hairy, how so!

The machine works like this: one, two, three - and you are not.

The Americans used a new super-bomb to suppress enemy electronic weapons - and were surprised to find that microprocessors are not used in Kalashnikov’s assault rifles ...

Army - a dream, God forbid, still dream ...

An army without a mat, like a soldier without a machine gun.

The army, in addition to benefit, can bring no harm.

Drummer! Play the anthem of the Soviet Union!

God helps not the big battalions, but those who shoot better.

God created the strong and the weak, and Mr. Colt leveled their chances

God created sleep and silence, and the devil - rise and foreman.

The combat leaflet must be a combat leaflet, because this is a combat leaflet.

The fighter was young, inexperienced. He hesitated, two fingers chopped him and chopped off. It is a pity, he was so commissioned in the new uniform ...

A fighter must salute every tree, starting with me.

Fight is the only way to achieve victory in battle.

To an invisible front soldier - an invisible hero star!

There were guard dogs there. We looked, talked - turned out to be ordinary dogs.

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Army. army humor, aphorisms army jokes

And here are the pearls of army humor, some from the Internet and literature, and some from personal combat experience

Who served in the army - he does not laugh at the circus!

We carry round, square we ride ...

We do not need any enemy at all, we ourselves will be dead and die.

You called the call center of the recruiting assembly point: if you want to serve in the army - click the star, if you do not want - click the bars.

The soldier is sleeping, the service is on.

The life of a soldier is a struggle. Before lunch - with hunger, after dinner - with sleep.

The more oaks in the army, the stronger our defense.

Sleep is the only occupation a soldier takes seriously.

A smoke break shortens not only life, but also service.

In the army they do not swear, but talk.

They scored for health, and they ask how smart!

Vodka is the enemy. A soldier is not afraid of enemies and destroys.

Boots need to be cleaned in the evening to put them on a fresh head in the morning!

In case of alarm, pants should be placed on a stool with the width to the exit ...

Frost and sun, wonderful day. Once Pushkin wrote. From these words it is immediately clear. Kinky army did not know.

They don’t steal or lose in the army, they’re in the army ...

Alone in the field is not a warrior, said the sentry and went to sleep.

New statuses about the army for boys and girls. funny and funny, and gruff statuses about the army for classmates, VKontakte, ICQ and agent.

Young people join the army in order to gain courage, life experience and pay off their debt to their homeland. But many refuse to join the army, accepting this as an introduction to their personal lives, a call to do something against the will of man. Therefore, many are trying in every possible way to retire from service in the armed forces of their country. Many of their soldiers are waiting for their beloved girls, they remain faithful to their loved ones throughout the entire period, while their young people run in formation and live in barracks. Undoubtedly, the best friends are waiting for the soldier, the arrival of the best friend on the demobilization is always a great holiday, which is delayed not for one day, but for at least a week or even a month. While serving in the army, a soldier learns a lot, rethinks a lot in life and, upon arrival home, he is a completely different person, with certain values \u200b\u200band life priorities. After the army, the road to life is open for you, it’s easier to work, because they treat you with respect and know that you have only serious intentions.

Statuses about the army

When many people join the army, they put cheerful statuses on their page, addressed to friends, beloved girl, or all together. This status can no longer be changed throughout the entire service life, or until vacation. However, such users appear on the wall of such users throughout their entire service life.