Question to the psychologist:
I have been married for 3.5 years, I have a child for 3 years. My husband is my second man, when we began an intimate relationship, he asked "who was the first?", I told him about the guy I met, but broke up when I found out that he was lying and cheating on me. That guy was my first, I lost my virginity at 22, according to my husband, if I wait so long, then why didn't I marry that guy? I replied that I did not love him and thought that I would love him, because he said that he loved me and I believed him. But I did not like him, and then I recognized him for another girl. Everything seems to be nothing, my husband found out, and then somehow by chance it broke out in some of our conversation that my first boyfriend was in prison, after which my husband got mad and started talking about what I gave myself to then to the prisoner that I am a fallen woman and if he had known all this before the wedding, he would not have married me, but now we have a child. Regarding the first guy, yes, he was sitting, but the story is that an acquaintance once asked him to transfer the bags, he helped, but did not know that there was stolen property in the bags, the acquaintance turned out to be just an "acquaintance", and the theft was hanged on the guy. And by the way, 6 years passed from the moment he got out of prison until we started dating. I love my husband very much and do not understand how you can perceive it this way, I am not a thing that he got after someone else? Now my husband constantly asks about this and calls it the act of a fallen woman. At that time, at 22, I had some kind of depression, it seemed to me that you couldn't love me, I didn't have a serious relationship, my friends were already giving birth to children, but I still can't find a guy, I'm terribly not myself I loved and felt a kind of frigid, scandals at home, dad drinks, my brother is on a regular spree, my mother cries and laments, at the institute, although everything was fine (I have a red diploma), but after graduation I could not find a job , and then that guy appeared, who called for a long time, asked for a date, asked how you were, how the day went, and then, in general, said he loved. Of course, I was flattered by all this, I began to think that I could be loved, it turns out, and I just believed him. Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to make excuses, and I don’t know why; Yes, I regret this act (that without love on my part), I don't understand why digging into the past, besides, my husband had one official marriage and one civil one, he has a child from an official one. Help, I don't know what to do and how to explain to him or am I wrong?
The question is answered by the psychologist Kondaurova Ksenia Vadimovna.
Hello dear Elena. I understand how painful and insulting you are from such an attitude of your husband. Unfortunately, your husband has become a victim of so-called limiting beliefs. One of these beliefs: "a woman is as valuable as she has few men." Even in our modern age, some men, unfortunately, adhere to this idea, creating a framework for themselves and breaking their relationships. It's not your fault, Elena. But the fact is that you yourself regret your first sexual experience, so it is easier for your spouse to cause you to feel guilty and self-doubt. If you would answer something like: "Well, yes, so what?" To his claim? or "are you seriously going to blame me for this? oh, don't shame, don't be one of those primitive men." Those. if you made fun of his attacks or devalued them, you would not leave him the opportunity to manipulate you in this way.
Well, now the question: is your husband ready to destroy his family for the sake of his rather delusional idea, or is he pursuing some other goal, nagging at you and saying rather cruel words about "never marry"? Perhaps your husband just found a reason. The reason for what - I do not know. But you can find out from him by bringing him to a frank conversation. By asking what really bothers him and what he really wants, given that you cannot change the past. If you are ready for it.
What can you do in addition to this to eliminate this difficult situation: forgive yourself for that first sexual experience, stop regretting it. You do not have to prove anything to anyone, it is your life and your sexual path, you had the right to start when you wanted and with whom you wanted. The first time is rarely perfect. If you did what you did, then you had no other option at that time. You just wanted to experience what it is like to be happy and loved. If you forgive yourself, your husband's attacks will cease to hurt you and there will no longer be any sense in these claims for him.
Talk to your husband honestly, Elena. And then ask yourself if your spouse really thinks that you are "the thing that went to him after someone else", are you ready to put up with such an attitude of the person with whom you are going to live your entire unique and priceless life? Is this what you dreamed of, what you deserve? Unfortunately, we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. The way we treat ourselves.
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You have lived so many wonderful years and suddenly you find out that your spouse is carried away by another woman. Now he tearfully begs you to forgive him. Let's say you forgive treason, and everything returns to normal. But how to return the former intimacy and establish intimate relationships, because the image of a mistress is in front of your eyes every minute? Psychologists believe that it will be very difficult for sentimental and impressionable women to rebuild an intimate relationship with her husband after his betrayal. If you have gone through all the difficulties with your husband, have made a decision to stay with him, then you have to work hard on yourself.
Sex is such an area of \u200b\u200brelationships that is very weak and becomes defenseless after cheating. You accept the deception of a man only with your head and heart, but your body cannot accept the betrayal. Many women are horrified to discover that they are no longer attracted to their husbands! You won't be able to regain your former passion even after a year. You will never restore the former closeness. You will not receive unprecedented pleasure either immediately, so it is naive to think that happiness and satisfaction will return to your bed after a couple of weeks. To begin with, you must become aware of your doubts and fears in order to understand how your perception of a loved one has changed.
Psychologists name four reasons, according to which a woman cannot establish an intimate life with her husband after infidelity. This is alienation, the power of habit, loss of faith in oneself and disgust. If you can cope with four reasons, then you can return the joy of intimate life.
Self-doubt. You are sure that your husband cheated on you only because you stopped taking care of yourself, got fat, and do not wear fashionable clothes. You become non-sexual to yourself. The shine in the eyes disappears, the body does not want to respond to caresses and kisses. You need to love yourself, otherwise you will get depressed! It should be important to you that you feel young, alive and sensual.
Disgust for her husband. You look at your spouse and accept him as a spoiled, dirty and wicked person. You get scared at the thought that in the evening you will go to bed with him and he will touch your body. Often, cheaters' wives even buy new beds and linens to sleep separately from their husbands. Some ladies require spouses to provide a certificate of the absence of sexually transmitted diseases, which in itself, in principle, does not even hurt. However, you do not need a certificate from your husband, but the help of a psychologist. Do not try to find the answer to your question on the Internet and do not participate in forums - this will aggravate the situation.
Alienation. Sex includes not only kissing and caressing, but also the merging of bodies. If there is alienation between you and your husband, you will not be able to merge together. If you are not ready to have sex, tell your spouse about it. Offer to relive your acquaintance again - go to the restaurant and for walks, holding hands. The day will come when you will feel passion and desire again.
Sex habit. The program embedded in your brain does not allow you to live in peace. As it was before? You had dinner together, then you took a shower and went to bed. Now everything is different, so you have to change your usual schedule. If possible, arrange a second honeymoon and go on vacation to the resort.
“Why did you cheat on your wife? Under what conditions would you not cheat? " - such questions the correspondent of "Cleo" asked the men. It turned out that there were enough traitors around. And everyone has an explanation for their behavior.
"Woman is the Universe"
I'm not cheating on anyone. I just love all women. Every woman is a whole universe. With them, I feel like an astronaut, like a researcher who is performing an important task. Have you seen an astronaut who would refuse a launch? So I feel the same way when I see a new interesting woman. I would like to know, understand, feel, remember. Explore, for that matter. Each one is unique and beautiful. I love all women, and it’s a pity that we do not allow one man to have many wives. If allowed, my women would be officially happy. And so each separately misses me. No, I cannot help but change, and nothing can fix me.
Alexander, 40 years old, Blagoveshchensk
"I immediately told her that it will be so"
I am alive, young, I am a man. If I’m not at home for six months and don’t see my wife because in the sea, pardon me, put the hell on the shelf? Yes, I honestly say that I'm cheating with whom I have to, it's disgusting myself, but I told my wife right away that it would be so, because I'm alive and I'm a man. She understand. The main thing is that I give my pay, I return home, I am not going to get divorced, what my wife was doing here without me - I don’t ask. So it is calmer for her, for me, and for the children. I hope that my wife and I will be fine in the future. I really hope so. Will I change further? Yes, until I go ashore. Probably. This is why I changed.
Andrey, 35, Arkhangelsk
"The wife is like a log"
Let them say what they want, but I go to the left. Because my wife is like a log, she doesn't need anything, she, you see, doesn't feel anything, nothing excites her. And so from the wedding itself. I would have known that it would be so, I would not have married. And now it's too late to change something because of the children. Love has long passed, the habit has remained, besides, it is a sin to complain - the wife cooks well, and there is always order at home, so there is no point in starting this boozer with a new marriage. It is much easier with these, which are on call: withdrawn, received, paid and owe nothing more. So this is still the order. Probably, I would be a faithful husband if my wife was not a log.
Yuri, 32, Penza
"I will never stop walking"
To be honest, I am walking because I do not want to miss my own, what nature has given. How long do I have to walk at full strength? Nobody knows that. What if just a little? Well, will I have nothing to remember? Now, while I have strength, I will come off to the fullest, and only then I will rest. So to speak, to rest on our laurels. My wife doesn’t like that I’m walking, but this is my personal life, no one needs to get into it, especially with various teachings and reproaches. The wife has everything she needs: a house, a car, money, gifts. She knows that if she starts pumping rights, she will quickly find a replacement. Many would like to take her place. Let him not hope that I will never stop walking. Never.
Anatoly, 40, Borisov
"I did not take the oath, there is no treason"
What are the problems if we have a civil marriage? Consider both free people. She does what she wants: she wants to - sits at home, cooks borscht, wants to - goes for a walk with someone. And I do the same (except for borscht). She and I do not owe each other anything, so I do not even consider my sexual contacts on the side of betrayal. By the way, an outdated concept - it carries dust. Straight treason to the Motherland! And I did not take the oath, by the way, so there is no treason either. Would I become a faithful husband if we registered the marriage? I do not know.
Dima, 28, Moscow
"There are more women than men"
I am an altruist, that is, a kind person. I, if you like, the Batman of our time - I help women feel like women. Let me explain. According to official statistics, there are ten million more women in our country than men. At the same time, some of the men sit in prisons, some - serve in distant garrisons, where women can be counted on one hand. Some - no small - number of men are in a state of homelessness. And then there are impotent and gay people who are not interested in women in principle. So our poor women have no one to hope for but me. I bring masculinity to this world! I am proud of my mission! There is nothing funny about this, if we return to statistics.
Vladimir, 34, Novosibirsk
"She's like an alternate airfield"
Living and not cheating on your wife is boring. Sitting holding on to her skirt is humiliating. I am not one of those who are looking for thrills, jumping with a parachute - life is dear to me and health too. But going to the left is for me, it's even cooler than jumping down from the plane. To take a walk and not get caught - conspiracy is needed, reaction speed, resourcefulness, disguise, this is a complete spy kit. And already from this sensation is especially acute and pleasant. So everyone gets their adrenaline rush in their own way. And the wife? It's like an alternate airfield, which is good. What do I need not to change? For this I need a lot of different women.
Artem, 39, Yekaterinburg
"My wife is not bored with me"
My wife is my favorite sex partner. I don't want to lose her, I'm used to her. I think she will live with me for a long time. Of course, I don't tell her about my "hikes". But the women turn around after me, make eyes, flirt. So, I'm alive, not soured, I'm still oh-ho-ho. Another would be angry, but mine thinks that it is not boring with me, because "the eye is on fire." I will probably become a faithful husband only in old age, for a completely natural reason. Although not a fact.
Max, 39, Pskov
"It's easier to experiment on the side"
I am changing. Not often, but it happens. Previously, I just wanted more, and my wife was just pregnant, then she was busy with the child, in general, I could not sit on a starvation diet. Then, when I gained experience, I wanted something new. And my wife doesn't like experiments. None. I am bored, but she does not understand, and every time it comes to a scandal. In short, getting what I want on the side is easier. And my wife, as I understand it, is calmer. At least there were almost no scandals at home. I don't see any sense in fidelity. Maybe he would have become a faithful husband, but I think you can't change your wife, but all because of her coldness.
Roman, 33, Nizhny Novgorod
"A man must assert himself"
My father also told me that every man must prove to everyone that he is a man. I'm all my father. I love that I can have a new woman whenever I want. But without commitment, for a short while, you can only overnight. I get what I want, she gets what she wants - and they scattered. I'm not interested in where she "runs", and I - to my wife. I will assert myself as long as I have enough strength.
Victor, 35, Volgograd
"Raisins of my favorite variety"
I walk? From your wife? No-no. I love my wife and will never leave her. Besides, she is the mother of my children. I won't leave them either. But what can I do if I like other women too? And it doesn't matter - who she is and how old she is, it doesn't matter! Each has its own flavor. I so want to get to the bottom of it, to the zest, to try it. No, this does not mean at all that I do not care where, when and with whom, no. I would say that not every woman has my favorite variety of raisins, here. But if there is one, I feel it with all parts of my body. Probably, this is transmitted to women, somehow they feel, because not only I love them, they also love me. No one will persuade me to stop my fascinating search. And nothing will stop me.
Valery, 32, Borisoglebsk
"I want everyone"
My testosterone is off scale, coming out of my ears. I cannot calmly see long legs, short skirt, lush breasts. I want all the time, I want almost every one, especially now, in the summer. I cannot imagine that all my life I will have only one woman. I would have strangled myself at such a prospect. I have a friend, I come back to her every time. I am interested in comparing her with others. It's like a game. So far, she has not bored me. And, in my opinion, there are no losers.
Konstantin, 27, Korolev
"It's a shame that he is not yelling about the case"
I work on a rotational basis: two weeks on the track, two weeks at home. I earn for my family, I try. The work is hard, exhausting. At first I dreamed: when I come home, I will rest. I come, and my wife yells from the doorway that I am cheating on her there, on the highway. I listened once, listened twice. Then I thought: it's a shame that he is not yelling for business. And now, as the case unfolds, I do not deny myself the pleasure. The wife still yells.
Nikita, 32, Astrakhan